I’m smoking.
Disturbed by the sight of my supervisor crying as I quit my job, I bummed my first cigarette from a friend three weekends ago. It subdued the waves of guilt and failure, and complimented my beer perfectly.
“You dumb cunt. I told you not to get addicted,” my roommate told me last week when she found me on the roof, the windows thrown open. I leaned out and sucked, the smoke splitting my chest like a pick through blocks of ice.
“This is my first one today,” I murmured, exhaling slowly. “Anyway, these are menthol lights. Nothing serious.”
“Pia, you’re a Buddhist vegan—”
“A vegetarian studying Buddhism,” I corrected.
“—with a LIVESTRONG bracelet. It isn’t right. You’ve lived twenty-five years without a smoke.”
I swung my eyes away and coughed. “I’m wondering where I should go next. Can I be happy in Seoul?”
“Where else can you go? Because I know you’re not staying here.”
I tapped my cigarette against my favorite ashtray—a white flowerpot with pink tulips painted on it. “I’m not sure. I was thinking about Busan, but I heard it’s just a tad less polluted, with lousier shopping.
“Probably a small town in the south. I don’t know,” I sighed. “I’m taking the train there in a few weeks. See if it’s my kind of place.”
“Busan? That’s so far away. Why . . .” She stared at me for a moment and looked out of the window. “I get it. Give me one of those.”
“You have bronchitis. Didn’t the doctor tell you not to—”
“Yeah, well I’ve been eating like crazy. All I can think about at work is nicotine and alcohol.”
I shrugged and reached into my purse. “Don’t blame me if you get worse.”
We looked over the city and grey horizon, the wind carrying the smoke into our faces. I finished and smudged it into my flowerpot. “I’m not stupid,” I finally said. “I know it’s a big change. I know it’s different. But I haven’t felt okay in a long time.”
“But what about your friends in Seoul?”
“I’ll miss you and the girls. But the capital is too busy for me. Maybe I’ve hung out with the wrong people and gone to the wrong places. Maybe there is a place for me in Seoul that I’ll absolutely fall in love with.
“I just want to be as sure as I can possibly get,” I sighed, pulling out another cigarette. I stared at it thoughtfully. “I want to follow my guts.”
“Wait, just so I’m sure . . . are you going where I think you’re going?”
I nodded, my lips curling around my Marlboro. “I’m paying the temple another visit.”
Musings from the Orchards 