Dearest Derrick,
I want to thank you for nearly ruining my time in Busan.
When I invited you to go with me and my girlfriends for the three-day weekend, I was under the assumption that you’d grown up in the past six months. After our night out in Osaka, I thought of you often, worried whether or not you still drank and puked yourself to sleep.
K told me you had developed strong feelings for me, and even though we didn’t speak to each other again, I felt somewhat responsible for you.
But I’m not going to coddle you–You’re an ignorant, ungrateful, pathetic bitch.
Seriously. Your self-proclaimed “dry British wit” is as endearing as wet shit in the Californian heat. I hope I never have to see or hear from you ever again. And here’s why:
1) When you go to a temple (or any area of spiritual importance), it might be a good idea not to describe its followers as “a scary cult.” How is a room full of chanting Buddhist monks different than a church full of singing nuns?
Also, I found your opinions on Islam sooooo profound. One of your friends is beat up by a group of young men who happen to to be Muslim, and all the Muslims in England (and the world, for that matter) are violent, terrorist supporters? Even though the Muslim extremists have caused trouble in the Philippines for years, I would never stereotype an entire group.
2) If you want to get laid by hot Korean chicks (or, as you like to say, “anything but the white-fatties back home”–charming!), it might pay to get to know your target audience. If you’re just going to dehumanize the lot as narcisstic snobs, glued to their mobiles and addicted to plastic surgery . . .
And do not voice your in-depth knowledge of the entire Korean population out loud on the subway! Christ. I don’t care if this is Busan and people are less likely to speak English. Koreans still learn our language here, and while it might be in your nature to not care what others think, it is in mine.
Thus, when I politely tell you that I don’t like to criticise Korean people, food or culture in public, I would appreciate it if you would take my request seriously. Do not press the issue further by telling me how disgusting you find their table manners. Do not describe the well-groomed young men in Seoul as gay. They’re better-looking than you. Accept it.
If you knew the Koreans standing nearby understood us perfectly, would you still have said those things?
3) When we pass a homeless person kneeling in front of Busan Station in prayer, it just might reflect badly on your character if you laugh, jab your finger inches from his nose and pretend to steal his charity cup. Is this what you do in London?
(Just to be clear, that’s when I started to hate you.)
4) When I told you my friend made arrangements for us to stay at a youth hostel, she was not talking about one of those swanky hostels with a new, king-sized mattress, warm pizza on the marble counter and teenage hooker desperate to give you a blow job.
D goes out of her way to reserve a room for you, when you are clearly too intoxicated to do it yourself, and you walk out two minutes after you step in. To make matters worse, you told us the place was horrible, right in front of the adorable old hostel owner! Even if he didn’t know one word of English, I’m sure he got the point. I couldn’t apologize enough.
You had the newer, bigger mattress and a bathroom with working shower all to yourself. We girls split two small rooms that had no warm water at all. I’m the spoiled, Californian princess, and I was willing to put up with the accommodations.
It wasn’t like you were actually going to get tail in Busan. Face it, all you were going to do in your “horrible” little room was drunkenly beat your dick to sleep. Which is what you most likely did in your much classier room, just across the street from us, rented for an outlandish 20 bucks a night.
And yes, the four of us did talk about what a little pussy you are, the second we heard the door close behind you.
5) I made it perfectly clear that I’m a vegetarian. So when I ask everyone what they want for dinner, show a little respect and don’t insist on galbi. How are the side dishes at a meat house going to feed me adequately? Kimchi has no calories. Have you seen my arms lately? I need real food!
Now, I might be a little sensitive in this particular case, but at this point I was looking for any excuse to throw you under a bus.
6) Did I mention how flattered I was when you described the Filipino women in Busan as whores? Did you forget that I am actually a Filipina? And no, I’m not one of those self-hating Filipinos who tries to pass herself off as Hawaiian. I confirmed this at the temple we visited that Saturday morning–but clearly you were busy judging the monks to listen.
7) After I hem and haw my way out of hanging out with you on Sunday, this in no way implies that I want to continue my friendship with you. This is my passively Asian way of informing you that one day of your bullshit was enough to test my small-town generosity, that I feel bad for threatening my girlfriends’ holiday by letting you tag along, that I would much rather be taken hostage by nuke-toting North Koreans than spend one more hour in your presence.
So do not call me at two in the morning, drunk off your ass and demanding to see me. Do not insult my companions–not after all you put them through.
Fortunately, we managed to salvage our time in Busan and make some sweet memories, no thanks to you.
Let me finish by saying that I informed the biggest gossip in our little expat group about your cute little shenanigans. Considering everyone already knew you were a loser to begin with, I didn’t have to go into great detail.
Sure, it was petty, but I’m willing to stoop to your level if I can avoid seeing you for the rest of my stay in Korea.
Hope you had a great time!
XOXO, Pia
Hilarious!!! Some of the funniest stuff I’ve read in awhile. This is one of the reasons why I sometimes wish I had an annonymous blog. Man, he sounds like a real asshole.
“And no, I’m not one of those self-hating Filipinos who tries to pass herself off as Hawaiian.” True dat, true dat.
btw, where was the hostel you stayed at? If weather permits, I’m hoping to hang out for a couple days in Pusan during that week you’re in Kyoto.
Jeeze! Well, he sounds like a total moron. Can’t even begin to think what makes a person like that.
Not cool, as “they” would say. Not cool.
Yes, Janica’s still doing tae-kwan-do and she’s currently a greeenbelt and will be testing for her purple next month. I’ll be sending Janica’s current pics at your e-mail address. Regards and always take care. We love you.
I’m looking forward for the pictures, Uncle Vic. A purple belt? She must be a little killer . . . I’m very proud of her.
How’s nursing school?
Lao, I stayed at the Geumhwa Yeogwan (469-1769), which D found in Lonely Planet. It’s run down (I took a few pictures when I got there–I’ll post them soon), but the sweet, little old owner let us share beds, which made one night just 10,000 won.
You also get your own shower (the water was cold, though) and television set (just in case you’re stranded in your room for some reason). And no curfew!
Kevin: Yeah, not cool. I would have called him the opposite of cool, if it wasn’t “hot.”
That’s weak. That guy sucks. He doesn’t deserve the courtesy of being told this in person. Hopefully word will spread, and he’ll have no friends. Glad to hear you could salvage some good times out of your trip, though. Well written entry, by the way. Especially this:
>>>”Face it, all you were going to do in your “horrible” little room was drunkenly beat your dick to sleep.”
That was vicious! Loved it. Dude, sounds like a total douchebag, and that’s putting it mildly.
“Do not describe the well-groomed young men in Seoul as gay. They’re better-looking than you. Accept it.”
Which doesn’t take much if he’s from England. Bad teeth, big ugly mark no matter whether you’re David Beckham.
I was writing from the heart, yo.
Aw, I don’t think all guys from England are bad-looking. Don’t make me Google for cute English guys, Dave!
I actually thought Derrick was cute when I first met him . . . then he almost hit my boots with vomit when we first went out in Osaka. Yeah, the attraction snapped, right there.
And now seven straight months of boozing it up every night . . . it really hit his looks, hard. I didn’t recognize him when he approached me last weekend.
But I don’t care if he was hot or not. (Well . . I do but that’s not the point, is it?) The guy was still a real wanker.
“The guy was still a real wanker.”
Yeah, where Mum still puts the tea’s and kettles on the bum!
Ha!
I’m going to write more about Busan this weekend, promise.
But I’ve got to edit some photos for Flickr (including some taken at an orchard–these will be for you, Pa!). I’m really excited about the fish market ones–to be honest, I haven’t taken a real good look at what I shot last weekend, because work’s been hectic.
I’m also talking with an aspiring director for her documentary on “non-white ESL teachers in Korea”. I don’t know why she wants to interview me–as an Asian I think I struggle a lot less than other expats here.
Currently guest-writing for a friend’s travel blog, this time under my real name. As if my own isn’t enough–now I have to tarnish another corner of cyberspace.
Tomorrow I’m going to another temple, so even more pictures. (Sorry Marbs, I know how you hate my landscape ones.) Meet up with some old friends.
And of course, get ready for my trip to Japan.
yay! have fun.
Unbelievable, what a tool!
Just got to hope you don’t think that all English blokes are like this! He’s hardly much of an ambassador.. Funny post though 🙂
Don’t worry, I’ve got nothing but love for the Brits.
you.
are.
my.
hero 🙂
hilarious!
thank.
you. 😉